


We Chose To Say Goodbye (But I Choose You)

by starrywrite



Category: Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Angst, Cold Phan, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, break up but not really, established relationship but not really, let's stick with that, this is so hard to tag fucking hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2013-12-12
Packaged: 2018-01-04 11:08:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1080309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrywrite/pseuds/starrywrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I keep building walls, but you’re always on my mind, won’t let them fall down. I’m tired, can we give up the art of moving on?” - Heffron Drive, Art of Moving On</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Chose To Say Goodbye (But I Choose You)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sohmaskyos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sohmaskyos/gifts).



> wOW so it’s been a minute since i wrote a phanfic holy crap. but yeah this thing called college really took up so much of my time and then i did nanowrimo and then i published a book and yeah it’s been a hectic year but bless i found time to write and now i'm here with an all new fic yay!!
> 
> okay so this takes place during the ‘Cold Phan’ time period (like 2011/2012-ish) aka the worst time to be alive 0/10 would not recommend up, and it goes up to the end of 2012/the beginning of 2013. hopefefully there’s no confusion! and it's inspired by the song "The Art of Moving On" by Heffron Drive. 
> 
> this is dedicated to my friend alex who inspired me to write this yay alex. 
> 
> also for the record i dont hate this and i hope you don't hate it either :) 
> 
> disclaimer: phan is not real and i am in no way claiming this couple is real. i just ship them kinda hard.

Dan didn’t ask for this - he doesn’t want this. When he first met Phil, when he first started YouTube, this all wasn’t supposed to happen. He wanted a creative hobby, he wanted to live in a flat with his best friend and make funny videos with him, but now everything’s complicated and his creative hobby is more and more like a job and his best friend might not even be his best friend anymore. And Dan’s scared, he’s terrified. He feels like a little boy, and he doesn’t know what to do, all he knows is that he doesn’t want any of this. He just wants Phil. He wants Phil _back_.

Lately, it’s like Dan and Phil are on separate continents. Sure they live in the same house and sleep in the same bed and share the same cereal, but Dan feels like he’s living with a stranger. Their flat is quiet because Dan never knows what to say to Phil anymore. It’s just… cold. Everything’s so cold between them.

There’s too many people and too many questions, all of them centering around the single question, “is Phan real?” and Dan can’t deal, he can’t fucking deal. Everyone’s speculating and digging up old tweets, formspring answers, dailybooth pictures and comments; everyone thinks they know the truth but they don’t, and it drives Dan crazy. 

There’s a visual line that divides the phandom - those who ship Phan and those who don’t, and it’s quite literally fifty-fifty. Dan doesn’t have a preference as to which side he prefers, honestly, because fans are fans and he loves everyone and is grateful for their support (even if they do nag the shit out him sometimes), but he’d be lying if he said his fans didn’t stress him the hell out sometimes. 

The fans who ship him and Phil use everything from their past as “proof” that Phan is real, and it makes Dan nervous because this is isn’t a conversation he’s ready to have. Back when he and Phil first “got together” they weren’t really together, because Phil was never his boyfriend. He was always just his friend, his best friend, but they’ve never been “just friends” and they both know it’s more than that, it’s always been more than that. But the fans wouldn’t understand that - hell, Dan don’t even understand it half the time; Phil loves him, he knows he does, and he loves Phil, so how can you love someone but not be with them? 

The fans who don’t ship them just say they don’t because Dan and Phil say it’s not real, and it makes Dan nervous because what happens when they find out that he was lying? What happens when he and Phil get their acts together and realize that they’re meant to be and end up dating? Will they not support them? Will he and Phil get hate? Will they just be known as “that gay couple from YouTube”? Dan doesn’t want that, he doesn’t want any of that. 

Dan asks Phil what to do, because this is a decision they need to make together, but Phil is just as clueless as he is. At first, Phil wants to be honest with everyone and the two of them can deal with everything together, but then Dan reminds him, “What are we going to be honest about? The fact that we fuck occasionally but aren’t boyfriends?” and then Phil goes silent. And that’s what fucking sucks about this - that they’re not boyfriends. Because if they were boyfriends, then it would be easier; they could just come out and deal with the haters and embrace the fans and they wouldn’t be like this now. But they’re not boyfriends, they’re Dan and Phil and that’s not enough of an explanation to go off of.

Dan didn’t ask for this. When he first met Phil, he hoped one day the older boy would be his boyfriend, but now he isn’t sure what he wants anymore, and it’s ruining his and Phil’s relationship. 

_I don’t remember what we might have said, and I didn’t bother to write it down any how. Now all of the memories spun like a web, and I can’t get out, get out, get out._

* * *

Dan lies. He doesn’t really know how he got into his habit, but he lies a lot, and he can’t stop lying. And he hates himself for the lies he tells. 

He lies about little things; when his next video is coming, even though he hasn’t started filming yet. He lies about using his side channel more. 

He lies about kind of bigger things; he lies about his sexuality. He lies about fantasizing about boys, about kissing boys, about having a boyfriend. He lies about liking girls more than he likes boys. 

He lies about Phil. He lies about Phil a lot. 

He lies about how they aren’t “joined at the hip” because they kind of actually are. He lies about how they don’t share clothes when they do all the time. He lies when people claim that Phil is his only friend which he really is, or at least he used to be, Dan can never be sure anymore. 

He lies about how him and Phil met. He used to be able to tell everyone the truth about how he met Phil; that he was literally the youtuber’s biggest fan and used to tweet him until he tweeted back, that they used to chat on Skype for hours on end, that Phil finally suggested they meet in person after months of chatting online. But now he lies. It started off as an innocent lie; when the fans ask, Dan tells them they met online but then Phil has to add the “mutual friend” bit and it makes Dan sick, but he knows why they have to say this. Then the lies get a little more elaborate; they had a mutual friend that aided in them meeting, that Dan didn’t fangirl over Phil, that Dan didn’t even watch that many British YouTubers, that he didn’t really even know who Phil was.

He lies about all the days and nights he used to spend at Phil’s apartment when he was in uni. He lies about the days and nights Phil spent at his dorm. He lies about going to Phil’s house to film a video for “no particular reason” when in fact the reason was he just wanted to be with him.

He lies about the fucking Valentine’s Day video that kind of ruined everything (even though he may or may not have saved in a secret folder on his laptop and he may or may not watch it at four in the morning when he can’t sleep because it reminds Dan when the two of them were happy and almost in love). He lies that it was just supposed to be a prank, that it’s not real. He lies that the video means nothing to him, that Phil means nothing to him. 

Phil knows Dan lies, and he hates it as much as he does but there’s nothing either of them can do about it at this point. And he’s angry, Dan’s so angry. He doesn’t want to lie, but people keep asking questions. And he can’t tell them everything, so he opts to tell them nothing. Phil too, except he doesn’t lie nearly as much as Dan does; he just keeps quiet about everything.

It’s straining their relationship, all the lies, all the secrets. They both kind of came to a mutual agreement one night that they weren’t going to tell the fans about them, because it was too complicated and it wasn’t their business. But now they have to be careful about everything, they have to watch what they say, they have to pretend they don’t care about each other. Filming videos with each other is always a trial and tribulation, because they have to fake smiles and brace themselves for everyone to point out the way Dan was staring at Phil. Live shows aren’t as fun anymore because half the comments are just asking about the other boy, and they have to keep the fake smiles and pretend they don’t see them. 

It’s tearing them apart. And Dan can’t take being hurt and he doesn’t want to hurt Phil, so he’s building up a wall between them, brick by brick so that Phil won’t be able to tear it down. Because they can pretend all they want, but Dan knows they’re both really fucked at this point and he wonders if he’ll ever get his Phil back.

Dan lies to Phil. Because late at night when Phil can’t sleep, he rolls over in bed and wraps his arms around him like it’s 2009 again, and whispers to him, wondering if he still loves him. And Dan pretends to be asleep and not say anything in reply, even though the truth is that he never stopped.

_Feels like I’m stuck here frozen in time. If it wasn’t real then I wonder what really is. And if there’s a world where you could be mine, well that’s where I’d live, I’d live, I’d live._

* * *

Dan’s scared. He doesn’t want to lose Phil, he can’t lose Phil. Phil is his everything and he’d be so lost without him. But he doesn’t know what to do anymore. 

Phil hates it when he gets so angry when people bring up Phan, but he can’t help it. He’s angry. He’s angry at his past self for leaving so many paper trials. He’s angry at the fans for digging into his old tweets and old dailybooths. He’s angry at Phil for not being his boyfriend. He’s angry at himself for falling for Phil in the first place. 

He and Phil fight a lot now too, and they’ve never fought before so they’re both extremely clueless when it gets to this point. They hate yelling at each other, so they opt for silence. And there’s so much pent up emotions and feelings and everything is going unsaid, and it sucks. It just sucks. 

Sometimes they go days without talking; they mutter things like “good morning” and “do you want to order pizza for dinner?” but that’s really it. Phil locks himself up in his room, claiming to have to film or edit a video, and Dan mopes in the lounge, wondering how things have gotten so shitty between them. 

Things weren’t always like this; back in 2009 when they first met, there was so much chemistry between them. Phil was the first person to give him butterflies when he DM’d him on Twitter, or commented on one of his dailybooth pictures. His ex girlfriend hadn’t even made him feel like this, which is probably why their inevitable break up didn’t phase him as much as it should have. But Phil… Phil was different. 

Back then things were easier. Dan could shamelessly flirt with Phil over Twitter and not have to worry anyone. He didn’t have to worry about people taking screen caps and posting them to Tumblr, claiming it was proof that he and Phil were together. He could be a little shit and say things “i WANT you to tie me” and the only thing he had to worry about was getting a text from Phil saying how hot and bothered he had made him. Everything was so… simple.

Even the behind the scenes things, the things nobody knew about. When they first met at the train station, Dan thought his heart was going to explode out of his chest; and when Phil kissed him in the middle of the station in front of everyone, it made Dan feel like they were the only two people in the world. The passion between the two of them was undeniable, and the pair couldn’t even keep their hands off of each other when they made it back to Phil’s place. And Phil kept telling him how glad he was to have him in his life, how much he cared about him, how happy he was to finally be able to hold him. Dan had never felt so… loved before. 

He loved Phil, he loved Phil from the moment he laid eyes on him via a black and white low quality YouTube video, and he loves Phil now. And no matter what happens, he wants to be with Phil, he will always want to be with Phil. But he wishes he could go back to 2009 when everything was simple, when he was sure that Phil loved him back. Because everything couldn’t be worse now.

Dan still doesn’t know how it transitioned from their happy-go-lucky honeymoon phase to barely speaking to each other on a daily basis. He supposes it started after the ‘Valentine’s Day video incident’ (or as some people call it, _the video that shall not be named_ which is dramatic as fuck but Dan admittedly kind of gets a chuckle out of it) and just thinking about it makes Dan’s stomach drop. 

It had only been a few months since they first met in person, but after months of chatting online the two of them had felt such a strong connection, the attraction couldn’t be denied. Disappointedly, Dan was in India for Valentine’s day, meaning they couldn’t spend the Hallmark card holiday together, which in itself has probably prompted Phil to make the video in the first place. Dan had no idea Phil liked him as much as he did, and waking up the next day, seeing a text from Phil telling him to check his email - which he did, praying that his internet connection would hold because it had been pretty crap lately, and when he clicked on the link, taking him to Phil’s side channel, his heart nearly stopped because he wasn’t expecting to see this when he had woken up. By the end of the video, he had little tears brimming in his eyes and with shaking fingers, he typed, “I love you” in the comment of the video, then promptly went to call Phil. He lied in bed all morning, the two of them whispering “Forever” to each other over and over, and these were the memories Dan held close to his heart because this was when he was the happiest he had ever been. All because of Phil. 

But, of course, everything went to shit. It started when YouTube glitched and a year later, the privated Valentine’s Day video went public and everyone saw it. Dan was out at the time and Phil called him four times in a row before Dan finally answered his phone. Phil was in a frenzy, “Get home now, we’ve got a problem,” Dan’s mind instantly flew to the idea that their flat had been broken into and they had been robbed, and he ran home, only to see Phil sitting on the couch staring wide-eyed at his laptop. 

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Dan asked hurriedly, rushing to Phil’s side, and Phil just pointed to his computer screen. The Valentine’s Day video was up on the screen, and at first Dan didn’t understand why Phil was having a coronary, until he realized that the view count, which was previously a two-digit number courtesy of Dan watching it so much, was in the thousands and his heart nearly stopped but not in a good way. “You made the video public?” he demanded.

“I didn’t - YouTube did!” Phil exclaimed. “I checked my phone and my mentions were blowing up with people telling me that they saw the video! So many people have seen it Dan! And now everyone thinks that we’re together!” And with that final statement, Dan realized why this was such a dilemma. Before, Phil and Dan had been each other’s best kept secret, and now the whole world knew about them. 

They needed a cover story, everyone couldn’t know the truth, not yet. They weren’t ready, it wasn’t their business, they had to do something and they had to do something fast. “We’ll tell them it was a prank,” Dan suggested. “Tell them you filmed it on purpose as a joke, that we were going to unprivate it on accident on April Fool’s Day to troll everyone,”

“That won’t work,” Phil argued.

“It will, just trust me,” Dan insisted. “We’ll tell them we wanted them to think Phan was real, that we had a back up video telling them it was just a joke,”

“The video has a date, Dan,” Phil reminded him. “Everyone can see clear as day that it was uploaded last Valentine’s Day, so how are we going to explain why it didn’t come out on April Fool’s Day last year?”

Dan chewed on his bottom lip, trying to come up with something, trying to think fast but his heart was pounding and his palms were sweating and he felt like he was going to be sick. “We’ll say we decided not to go through with it,” he finally said. “We’ll tell everyone that it was going to be a prank but then we changed our minds and just forgot to delete it, okay?”

“No one’s going to believe that Dan,” Phil shook his head. 

“They’ll believe it if we tell them it’s true, okay?” Dan snapped, and Phil’s expression changed abruptly, eyes going wide, clearly startled. And Dan felt terrible for snapping at Phil, but he wasn’t exactly being helpful right now, and if Dan was going to call the shots, this is what they were going to to. “We’ll just keep telling them the story until they believe it, okay? We can make this work,” Phil didn’t say anything after this, and Dan just sighed impatiently. “Well, do you have any ideas, Phil?” he asked, rubbing his temples. He felt a migraine coming on and he desperately wanted some wine or chocolate or both.

“Why can’t we just tell them the truth?” he suggested, and this time Dan fell silent because he hadn’t been expecting this. “You know, just be honest with the fans?” 

Dan licked his lips and to this day, he hates himself for what he said in reply to that, “What are we going to be honest about?” he asked Phil. “The fact that we fuck occasionally but aren’t boyfriends?” Phil’s face dropped and his expression resembled that of a kicked puppy, and Dan hated it and he hated making Phil upset and he hated being brutally honest but this was the truth - Phil was never his boyfriend and he was never Phil’s boyfriend. Sure, they acted like boyfriends, and they kissed and cuddled and had sex, but they weren’t official. How were they going to explain that to the fans?

“You’re serious?” Phil asked him. “After - after everything we’ve been through you don’t consider me your boyfriend?”

“Well if you considered me your boyfriend, why hadn’t you said anything before?” Dan demanded, because are they really having _this_ conversation right now? Now, while their entire fanbases combined are shitting themselves at the idea that he and Phil are together - now Phil wants to be a label on everything? Where the hell was this conversation back in 2009 back when Phil took his virginity no questions asked? Where the hell was this conversation when the two of them bought their first apartment together no questions asked? Where was this conversation for the past two years? 

“Dan, you know how I feel about you,” Phil insisted.

“Yeah, and you know how I feel about you, but did you really expect me to just assume you were my boyfriend?” Dan shot back. “I mean, hell Phil I spent the entire first year and a half convinced you didn’t even like me the way I liked you; do you really think just because we fuck and stuff, I was just going to know that meant we were boyfriends?”

“Well, that’s kind of how it works, Dan!” Phil told him. “You’ve dated people before -”

“Yeah, because I asked them out!” Dan cut in. “Because _that’s_ kind of how it works; you don’t just assume you’re going out with someone! What the hell kind of backwards logic is that?”

“You still can’t tell me you honestly didn’t think we were a couple,” Phil insisted. “After everything we’ve been through? Did you honestly think we were ‘just friends’? Because even you aren’t that stupid,” Dan’s jaw tenses, and Phil immediately sees the errors of his way because that was just one step too far. “Look, I didn’t mean that; I don’t think you’re stupid, okay?” Phil told him quickly. “I’m just frustrated okay? Not with you, with all of this - Dan you know I love you, please don’t be angry -”

“What kind,” Dan interrupted, his voice low and his tone dripping with venom. “Of shitty boyfriend spends two years playing mind games instead of growing a pair and actually asking out the guy who he supposedly loves?” This time he didn’t stick around to see Phil’s hurt expression because he had to get out of the apartment, he had to get away from Phil. 

Ever since then, things hadn’t been the same between him and Phil. A fews hours after Dan had cooled down, he came home and apologized to Phil over and over again, and even though Phil had faked a smile and told him all was forgiven and forgotten, Dan knew it wasn’t. They both had fucked up in more ways than one, and their relationship was suffering because of it. But it didn’t stop there; a year later, the video resurfaced and they had to go through all of this again. It went viral on Tumblr and everyone had reblogged it, some people even downloaded it, and shit hit the fan all over again. And Dan and Phil were tired. They didn’t want to go through this again, they didn’t have the energy to. They didn’t want to fight with each other, they didn’t want to fight with the fans, they didn’t want to do this. 

They stuck to the original story, however. And Dan answered heaps of messages about the video on Tumblr, retelling the prank cover story over and over again, while Phil went around and got every copy that he could find deleted by claiming copyright on it. And they went through this over and over again, and it was exhausting. And every time they had to go through it, it was like another piece of their relationship was being ripped apart. The past and the present were swirling together in confusing heaps of heartache, and they both hated it, but they didn’t have a clue as to what to do about it. Because they can’t be honest with their fans before they can be honest with each other, and deep down they both know that but they’re both too stubborn and stupid to admit it. 

And now after everything they’ve been through, Dan’s got these walls built up around his heart, walls built up between him and Phil and it’s almost as if they both can physically feel them because there’s so much tension between them. When they sit together there’s always some space between them, they don’t sleep in the same bed anymore, and they both wish it wasn’t like this but it’s been going on for over a year, maybe there’s no hope for them. Maybe they weren’t destined to be together like they had thought back in 2009. 

The idea alone that he and Phil aren’t meant to be makes Dan sick and he wracks his brain for ways to fix everything between them, but he doesn’t know what to do, he’s never known what to do. And sometimes he wonders if maybe he and Phil should just give up… 

Dan feels a hand on his shoulder, gently shaking him, and he realizes that he had fallen asleep - when had that even happened? And what time was it now anyway? Groaning, he sits up, trying to bring himself back to reality, and rubs his eyes, “What’s going on? Is there a fire?” he mumbles.

He hears a chuckle, and he’d know that sound anywhere. It’s Phil. “No, there’s not a fire. Though, I’m amazed your laptop didn’t burn a hole in your pants from sitting on you for so long,”

Dan chuckles lightly, and for a second, it feels like everything is okay. “My laptop wouldn’t betray me like that,” he jokes, speaking softly and cautiously, because he doesn’t want to wreck this moment. 

“Your precious laptop,” Phil jokes and sits down on the edge of the couch. Dan moves his laptop aside, and Phil reaches out, running his fingers through Dan’s curly locks (because he couldn’t have been bothered to straighten his hair). “I didn’t realize you looked like a hobbit today,” the elder boy muses softly.

Dan frowns. “Don’t remind me,” he grumbles, then gently swats Phil’s hand away. “I need to rid my head of this catastrophe,”

“I like your hobbit hair,” Phil reminds him, and Dan’s heart starts to hurt a little because Phil used to - keyword, used to - tell him every day how much he loved his hobbit hair and as a result, Dan only straightened his hair when they left the house or if he had to film. 

Dan forces a smile. “I forgot you liked it so much,” he admits and he sees Phil’s smile falter a little. 

It’s silent between the two of them for a moment, and Dan’s heart is absolutely hammering hard in his chest. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous because it’s just Phil, but at the same time it’s not _just Phil_ anymore. Finally, Phil speaks up and breaks the silence, “Want to come to bed?” 

Dan blinks. “Like, your bed?” he asks slowly because he can never be sure anymore.

“If you want,” Phil replies, and Dan just smiles and gets up from the couch, taking Phil’s hand and walking with him down the hall to Phil’s room because yes, of course he wants. He wants nothing more than to be with Phil.

The two boys crawl into bed together, covering their bodies with Phil’s blue and green comforter. And then they both hesitate, because they don’t know if it’s okay to hold each other anymore. That’s how fucked up they are, and it hurts. Eventually though, Dan rolls over onto his side, facing Phil’s nightstand and he waits for Phil’s response, which is for him to roll over onto his other side, his back facing Dan’s. And Dan tries not be mad or hurt because he knows that Phil’s just as confused and scared as he is. But Dan realizes just how cold and lonely he feels without Phil’s arms around him.

A few minutes pass before Dan rolls over so he’s facing Phil’s back, and he stares at the sleeping boy’s form in front of him. He watches Phil’s shoulders rise and fall, listens to his breathing. And he closes his eyes and whispers to him, “I miss you,”

Several seconds pass before Phil whispers back, “I miss you too,” and that’s all they say to each other for the next eight hours. 

_Gave everything I got not to lose you, not to lose you. We chose to say goodbye, but I choose you, I choose you._

* * *

Even though the majority of the year was kind of terrible (between the two of them at least), some of 2012 ended up being pretty good for Dan and Phil. 

The ice between them is starting to thaw, and Dan doesn’t feel like he’s sharing a bed with a stranger anymore. And after a while he doesn’t have to hesitate when he wraps his arms around Phil and holds him close and they fall asleep like this with smiles on their faces. Some days, Dan doesn’t even find himself afraid that they’re going to fall apart. And that had been on Dan’s mind for the past year and a half; that somehow, he was going to lose Phil. Whether he has him in his life as a partner or a best friend, Dan knows he can’t lose Phil. He’d never move on, he’d never want to. 

But Dan still has his walls built up, because he’s still afraid. He doesn’t know what he’s more afraid of though - being hurt by Phil or screwing things up between him and Phil. But regardless, he’s still guarded and he’s hesitant and he can tell Phil is too. Because they’ve got a fanbase to worry about, and they need to watch what they say and what they do because they’ve got millions of people watching them, judging them, and nothing is safe. And Dan just wants to not give a fuck, because really, who cares if he and Phil are gay? Who cares if they become “that gay couple from YouTube”? Who care if a few homophobes unsubscribe to them? The only thing Dan cares about is Phil, and he’s kicking himself because why did it take him almost two years to figure this out? 

But Dan doesn’t even have time to act on his new realization because one of the highest points for him and Phil came towards the end of the year though. After doing two Christmas specials for the BBC the two were called up and asked if they wanted their own weekly radio show, which was probably the greatest news they could’ve been given. After accepting the offer, they both felt over the moon, and when they’re alone, Dan throws his arms around Phil hugging him tighter than he had in months. And even though he can feel Phil tense up at first, he returns the hug, burying his face in the crook of Dan’s neck, whispering how happy he is. And Dan whispers it back and for the first time in a long time, he finally feels it.

That night the two of them sit down for a talk, because this is a serious job and they can’t screw it up, which means no swearing (to which Dan rolls his eyes and says, “I’m not going to fucking swear on the radio Phil, Jesus,” and Phil breaks out in a nervous sweat). But they also talk about the two of them, because if this is going to work at all they need to work as a team. Phil tells him that he doesn’t want any awkwardness between them on the radio, especially since they’re broadcasting it out for all of the UK to see online, because he knows how things have been between them lately and he tells Dan that he wants it all to change. And hesitantly, Dan reaches out and takes his hand and tells him he wants things to change too. And just like that, they’re back on the same page again and they haven’t been on the same page in far too long. It’s nice. 

New Year’s Eve rolls around and Dan and Phil get invited to a party that neither of them really want to go to, but they don’t have any other plans, so why not? And it doesn’t take long for everyone to end up drunk and slurring their words and laughing too loudly while they reminisce about the past year. And when Dan thinks about the past year, he’s glad it’s over because the only memories that stand out are him fighting with Phil or him sleeping alone in his bed or the fact that he and Phil could barely stand to be in the same room with each other for a while. Those memories make his heart hurt, but he vaguely wonders if it’s because of the alcohol and he sets his cup down with no intention to go back to it. He wanders away from the crowd of people, most of which he doesn’t even know which does nothing for his social awkwardness, and he lingers by a window, looking out at the city below him, wondering if the people out there had a better year than he had. 

Before he knows it, they’re starting the countdown; one minute until the new year. And for some reason, Dan feel’s nervous because he has no idea what 2013 will hold and what if it’s a terrible year? What if something happens and he or Phil end up moving out or getting fired or what if YouTube shuts down forever or what it - 

He feels Phil reach for his hand and give it a little squeeze. And he looks over at the blue-eyed boy standing next to him, and he sees the smile on his face and all his previous worries and anxieties just disappear completely, because Phil’s by his side and he knows that Phil will always be by his side.

“So, what’s your New Year’s resolution going to be?” Phil asks him, raising his voice to be heard over the crowd of drunk people surrounding them.

The countdown is nearing it’s end. 15, 14, 13... It’s almost the new year, and Dan just smiles and loops his arm around Phil’s waist, pulling him in so he can whisper in his ear, “To tell the whole world that I have the best boyfriend in the world,” and Phil’s smile is so wide as he presses his lips to Dan right as the clock completes it’s countdown to 2013. And with that single kiss, Dan can feel every single wall he had ever built up between him and Phil come crumbling down.

_I keep building walls but you’re always on my mind, won’t let them fall down. I’m tired, can we give up the art of moving on?_


End file.
